Ho's Before Bro's

Don't add your bestfriends ex-husband to your Facebook friends list.

Unless you are trying to be a bitch.

Black Friday

Um, don't trample people to death?

Seriously, this has to be said out loud?

My condolences to the families of the three people that lost their lives today.

Congratulations to all the assholes that saved $20 on shit they don't need. Happy Holidays, huh?

Gobble, Gobble!

Give Thanks

Remember it's just not a mindless holiday to commit several carnal sins (sloth, gluttony, greed, and watch out for rath tomorrow during all the sales)

Don't Expect Fine Dining From Fast Food

You asked for no onions but got onions? It's a conspiracy! What if you were highly allergic?! They are trying to kill you!

You should stomp in, demand to speak to a manager and then proceed to scream and call everyone idiots while throwing in some derogatory racial comments.

I'm sorry, what's that? You'll come off looking like a psycho if you do that?

Exactly. Chill.

Taco Bell employees make minimum wage. I'm sure they would have happily made you a new 89 cent burrito if you would have kindly explained what happened.

Loose vs Lose

I know, this is a tricky one.

Loose: free or released from fastening or attachment: a loose end.

Lose: to get rid of: to lose one's fear of the dark; to lose weight.

So when you call someone a "looser" it totally loses the effect. (get it? ha ha ha!)

Traffic, Part Two

Don't be the douche that speeds up when someone puts their blinker on.

They aren't trying to get in front of you they are simply changing lanes.

Don't take it personally.

Unless they are 'that guy' that is weaving in and out of traffic.

Yeah, do everything you can to screw with him.

That's funny.

Traffic, Part One

Blinkers.

Use them.

Oblivious

Dear person that parks their cart in the middle of the isle and then ignores everyone that tries to get around them at the grocery store.

(Pheew!)

Sadly you are not the only one shopping. Seriously. Pay attention to your surroundings.

Oh, and an 'excuse me' wouldn't kill you either.

Dogs

Wow, something your mom should have taught you:

Pick up after yourself.

When you are a pet owner this means:

Pick up your dog's shit!

Thank you.

Graffiti

Graffiti. Really?

Wow hard core gang member. I'm sure you are super pumped to have gotten 'jumped' into this gang to be 'tagging' my building in 36 degree weather in the middle of the night.

Is that your name? Your nickname?

What I read is: I'm a pussy and going to cost you time, money and energy. Aren't I a bad ass?

No, no you are not.

You are a jack ass. Pull up your pants and get a job.