Bye Bye 2008

Please party responsibly tonight!

Say no to drugs, have a DD and all that good stuff!

Office Etiquette, part 2

If you make a mess in the microwave, wipe it out.

I don't need to smell/see your hot pocket that exploded for 3 days until I clean it out.

Sick.

Parking Lot Madness, part 3

Park inbetween the lines. Not on top of them.

I know, I know, it gets confusing... but you should have one line to the left and one line to the right and ZERO lines under your car.

Promise.

Merry Christmas

Jesus is the reason for the season.

Cheesy cuz it rhymes but seriously - it's not all about the gifts people.

Cell Phones In Public, part 2

Please don't take your cell phone into the bathroom.

That is one place I really don't need to hear your conversation.

Parking Lot Madness, part 2

Put your shopping cart away.

Yes you are in a hurry, yes the parking lot is slush. You are another 10 steps away from the coral thingy. Are you that lazy?

Snow Driving

Snow is not some magic eraser.

There are still TWO LANES.

Way to make us all late for work.

Come again?

Please don't think that just because you were in earshot of the conversation that you get carte blanche on offering your opinion.

Guess what? 97% of those actually involved in the conversation don't care.

The other 3% are only pretending.

Parking Lots, Part 1

You do not inherit your elderly parents handicap sticker.

I know, I know, it comes in handy this time of the year at the mall. But seriously? Are you that lazy/pathetic/rude/stupid?

Just remember: Karma is a bitch.

Congratulations!

Oh, you're not pregnant?



...yeah don't be that dumbass.

You Wanna Go Boom?

Don't smoke around gas pumps.

Yes this includes you, punk-ass-barely-legal-to-be-smoking-saggy-pants-hair-in-eyes gas station attendant. Obviously you were stoned through your science class: gas + lit cigarette = BOOM! Get it? No? OK, gas is flammable that means it lights on fire easily, oh never mind. I will call the Darwin Award people and have them ready your award.

Fashion

Don't dress like this. Please. I'm begging you. I will buy you pants that fit. I swear. Just please... take them off. Yes right now. I don't care. Take. Them. Off! For the love of all things good and holy in this world!!

Texting, Lesson 1

Mass texts aren't the way to go.

Chances are 93% of the people you sent them to don't give a shit.

Parenting 101, lesson 1

If it's cold enough for you to wear a coat. Your kid(s) should probably be wearing one too.

Traffic, Part 3

Don't slow down to merge. Speed up with the flow of traffic and then merge.

Simple enough concept, right? While we are at it... if traffic is kind of slow please don't speed up in front of everyone and then expect me to let you in. Merge with everyone else. You. Are. Not. More. Important. Shocking, I know.

Tis' The Season

Don't donate crap that should be thrown away.

"Hey honey? You know those gross old slippers that I keep trying to make you throw away? I gave them to the Salvation Army, Ok!"

Bad. Idea.

Cell Phones In Public, part 1

Please control the volume of your voice.

I can understand that you may be talking to your 87 year old Grammy who keeps yelling "what!?". That conversation is best left to the privacy of your own home, or car or anywhere I'm not.

Chivalry Might Be Dead

Hold the door open for a lady.


When you see a tiny old lady with an armful of stuff trying to get out you don't squeeze past her while she holds the door open for you! Idiot!

Huh?

Don't complain about not having any money and in the same sentance talk about your new house/car/vacation/shopping spree/plastic surgery.

Are you trying to prove how stupid you are or trying to get sympathy? Do you want me to tell you how I feel about that?

Office Etiquette, part one

Don't reheat fish in the office kitchen.

Mmm, I bet that tuna casserole was really yummy last night! Super glad you had leftovers and that they spent the last 4 minutes in the common microwave on high.

The smell of rotting fish makes my lunch even yummier! Thanks!

I know, I know, you are trying to eat 'healthy', whatever. It's gross and it smells.

Nope, We Don't Care.

So you are 12 seconds pregnant and we need all the gory details? No, no we don't.

Seriously:



That is gross. Don't get me wrong. I love babies. I just love them more when they look like a baby rather than a tadpole or alien larva. Ick.

Ho's Before Bro's

Don't add your bestfriends ex-husband to your Facebook friends list.

Unless you are trying to be a bitch.

Black Friday

Um, don't trample people to death?

Seriously, this has to be said out loud?

My condolences to the families of the three people that lost their lives today.

Congratulations to all the assholes that saved $20 on shit they don't need. Happy Holidays, huh?

Gobble, Gobble!

Give Thanks

Remember it's just not a mindless holiday to commit several carnal sins (sloth, gluttony, greed, and watch out for rath tomorrow during all the sales)

Don't Expect Fine Dining From Fast Food

You asked for no onions but got onions? It's a conspiracy! What if you were highly allergic?! They are trying to kill you!

You should stomp in, demand to speak to a manager and then proceed to scream and call everyone idiots while throwing in some derogatory racial comments.

I'm sorry, what's that? You'll come off looking like a psycho if you do that?

Exactly. Chill.

Taco Bell employees make minimum wage. I'm sure they would have happily made you a new 89 cent burrito if you would have kindly explained what happened.

Loose vs Lose

I know, this is a tricky one.

Loose: free or released from fastening or attachment: a loose end.

Lose: to get rid of: to lose one's fear of the dark; to lose weight.

So when you call someone a "looser" it totally loses the effect. (get it? ha ha ha!)

Traffic, Part Two

Don't be the douche that speeds up when someone puts their blinker on.

They aren't trying to get in front of you they are simply changing lanes.

Don't take it personally.

Unless they are 'that guy' that is weaving in and out of traffic.

Yeah, do everything you can to screw with him.

That's funny.

Traffic, Part One

Blinkers.

Use them.

Oblivious

Dear person that parks their cart in the middle of the isle and then ignores everyone that tries to get around them at the grocery store.

(Pheew!)

Sadly you are not the only one shopping. Seriously. Pay attention to your surroundings.

Oh, and an 'excuse me' wouldn't kill you either.

Dogs

Wow, something your mom should have taught you:

Pick up after yourself.

When you are a pet owner this means:

Pick up your dog's shit!

Thank you.

Graffiti

Graffiti. Really?

Wow hard core gang member. I'm sure you are super pumped to have gotten 'jumped' into this gang to be 'tagging' my building in 36 degree weather in the middle of the night.

Is that your name? Your nickname?

What I read is: I'm a pussy and going to cost you time, money and energy. Aren't I a bad ass?

No, no you are not.

You are a jack ass. Pull up your pants and get a job.