Friday, August 14, 2009

Got {insert whatever you are selling here}?

Intersting fact: The first "Got Milk?" ad was in 1993.

'93 people!!

Let's stop beating a dead horse and call it good with all the GOT ___? crap, OK? OK!

Thursday, August 13, 2009


I've been trying to be nice about this. Give you a nice buffer of 9 months or so but if you drive past me with a VOTE 2008 bumper sticker - you're going to get something thrown at you!

Either you are lazy or stupid...

Take it off, take it off, for the love of God, take it off!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

You're So Vain

You have your name on your license plate.


That's original.

Most personalized license plates are stupid.

I did see one funny one... it was on a Mini Cooper and said "ACTULSZ"

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


So when you were engaged it was about the wedding...

Then you got married and it's about your 'hubby'

Then you got knocked up. Surprise! All about being 'preggo'

Now it's about your kid.

Get a life!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Hospital Don'ts

If your sister just had a baby. I'm talking literally pushed the kid out less than 3 hours ago, DO NOT load up your three snot nosed kids under the age of 5 that just had the swine flu and go visit them at the hospital.

Then insist that all 3 kids take turns holding the baby. Especially when a couple of them are nose pickers.

Mom just went through 24 hours of labor, didn't sleep and pushed a child out of her pelvis. I'm sure she is up to visitors spreading germs to her newborn and keeping her awake.

Good idea, really.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sweet House!

Oh wait, you live with your parents?

You're how old again?


Monday, August 3, 2009

"Text" Talk

OMG! Is ne1 els srsly annyd w/ppl abbrv evrthng!!

Holy freaking crap - I swear my eyeballs are bleeding. I'm sorry, when I get any type of communication that is missing that many vowels I think you have suffered brain damage. Is it really that much easier to type ne1 rather than anyone?

I don't like texting like that and I reallllly don't like reading emails like that.

It's called English and I'm a big fan.

Friday, July 31, 2009


STOP using tanning beds!! Apparently they are as dangerous as arsenic!?!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Not Smart

If you are in a power chair because you are obese, it's probably not the best idea to use said power chair to drive to McDonald's.

I'm just say'n.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Try Again.

Unless you are farming, gardening, working on equipment, or under the age of 2 - you should not under any circumstances be wearing overalls.

Trust me on this one.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

How to look like white trash in 3 easy steps:

1. Cut the arms off of your own shirts.

2. Bring your 18 months old child to the grocery store in nothing but a diaper.

3. Buy nothing but beer and butterfingers.


Monday, July 27, 2009

Nope, Not a Word

I don't care how many times you say it. How you use it. What freaking language you speak...

Prolly is not a word.

It's probably. It's bad enough to pronounce it "prolly", but to actually type out those letters?

My ears AND my eyes hurt.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

You're Trying To Be Funny, Right?

Because no one would seriously put:

"P.s. Gifts welcome!"

On the bottom of an invitation to a baby shower.

For your FIFTH baby? You've already got 2 boys and 2 girls. Your husband is an attorney. Really "gifts welcome"?

Sorry I won't be attending.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Photo Op

When you are over the age of 30. Married with kids. Drive an SUV. Aren't a "gangsta". Go to church every Sunday.

Stop posing like a douche bag wanna be in every. single. picture. ever. taken.

Seriously. How many times can you throw the peace sign? Honestly?

It's especially priceless to try and look like a thug when you are holding your baby girl. Really?

Sorry you have the 'little man' complex but looking like a jackass in pictures isn't helping your case.

Monday, July 20, 2009

A special message:

Dear 16 year olds.

Stop having sex. Really.

{Unless you plan on placing your baby with an adoptive couple. Then carry on.}

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Used Car Salesmen

Seriously. Should anyone over the age of say, 14 go by the name "Bobby"?

Like I'm going to give a 50+ year old man that goes by Bobby $30,000.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Parenting 101

It's never to soon to let the TV babysit your kids.

Bonus points if you can figure out how to prop their bottle up and stick them in front of the TV at say, 3 months?


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Chew, Chew, Chew your food.

Since when did chewing with your mouth closed become uncool?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Works Like a Charm

Flirting with the Taco Bell drive thru guy will score you extra hot sauce.

Totally worth it!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Selling Online Rocks!

But, could you take 4 seconds and make sure your pictures are all upright?

Tiny pictures of whatever you're selling are crap enough, but to leave them sideways, really?

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I Went To a Rodeo.

Yes I'm from the country.

Um, people were walking around in flip-flops and sandals. Really? You don't realize the "dirt" you are walking around in is probably 60% horse, cow and bull crap?

I hope you showered before you got into bed...


Monday, June 29, 2009

H1N1 (aka: Swine Flu)

If you are sick, STAY HOME!

Don't show up to work/church/public then complain that you think you have the flu. Are you freaking kidding me? We wonder why this is spreading so fast? STOP SPREADING IT!

Saturday, June 27, 2009


Sorry I gave you the impression that your children were welcome to run around my house while you sat on your ass and told me how nice and clean my house was.

Thank you for leaving while I vacuumed Doritos out of my couch cousins and wiped fingers prints off my walls.

Sorry I gave you the impression my house was child proof (seriously? Do I have young children? NO)

When you are invited to an event at someones home, ask if you can bring your children first just don't show up with a 3 year old. If you must bring children to an adult event - WATCH them! Don't let them run wild!

Friday, June 26, 2009

While we're on the subject of bizarre names,

lets stop changing the spelling of perfectly acceptable, normal, classic names.

Alyviah? Seriously? What's wrong with Olivia?

Nikaloas? Huh? You were too good for Nickolas?

And honest to God someone took the bass akwards name Nevaeh (Heaven backwards) and flucked up that spelling? Nahveigha? WHA??? WHY?

Hope your kids are smart because they are going to be spelling their names for people for the rest of their lives.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Stop Making Up Baby Names

Stop. Please.

When you think of a name for your child, imagine that child in various jobs. Can you imagine, "This is the CEO of our company, Chevy." NO!

"Here is out top salesperson, Pernille." How the F do you even say that?

Are you freaking kidding me? You are grooming your child to become a drug addicted petty thief.

Unless you really don't like your child and you are looking forward to them being teased in Kindergarten because they can't spell or pronounce their own name.

Good luck with that!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Just creepy dude. Really.

If you are a large, bald, scary looking man wearing a wife beater, please do not chase down a tiny little blonde girl in the parking lot. I don't care what you are trying to sell, if its in broad daylight - you will get maced. Enjoy!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

When a second cash register opens up,

and the clerk says, "I can help whoever is next." I'm pretty sure she means the next person in line. Not you, the loser that is closer because you just came out of the beer cooler at noon. But awesome job butting in front of the cute old guy trying to pay for gas.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Smoking Is Gross

Even more so when two dudes are sharing one cigarette in the parking lot of Arctic Circle while I'm waiting for my shake.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Cell Phone vs. The Office

Turn your cell phone to vibrate or silence at work.

I don't need to hear "who let the dogs out" every 7 seconds when your kid calls you.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I Got A New Car!

No body cares.

We aren't 18 anymore. If your dick is that little and you need to flash a 25K car on your blog/facebook/whatever. You're a loser.

Good luck with that.

Monday, May 11, 2009

What An Asshole!

"Our landlord said he would give us 2 weeks, well on the 7th he gave us a letter of intent to evict. He won't wait until the 15th when we can get our welfare check and I start working at a convenience store. What a jerk. I wish someone would shoot him."

Where to start, where to start...

Your landlord is not an asshole. You are. Obviously if he has reason to evict you, this isn't the first time you've been late with rent. Bravo

Don't be pissed at someone else because you are a screw up. Very classy.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Some Things Need Repeating...

Loose: free or released from fastening or attachment: a loose end.

Lose: to get rid of: to lose one's fear of the dark: to lose weight.

So when you call someone a "looser" it totally loses the effect. (get it? ha ha ha!)

Thursday, April 30, 2009

What's in a name...

Don't name a baby boy Lyric.

Seriously. Just don't.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Thanks for Smoking!

Smoking does not make you look cool.

It makes you look stupid and gross.

Especially when I have to walk through your disgusting cloud of poisonous smoke to get into a building.


Saturday, March 21, 2009

Update! Finally!

Blogging is awesome. I love reading blogs.

If you are absent for a long period of time you better have an awesome story for me to come back to. What you shouldn't do is apologize.

It's weak and whiny. Like you are the most important person ever and you were being hounded my thousands to update your precious blog.

Uh-uh. Sorry. Give us some dirt and we'll be happy.

Friday, March 20, 2009

wE lOvE bLoGgInG!!!

My head hurts.

I don't know who started it.

I do know some of the idiots that keep doing it.

This is in the same category of animal abuse. Really.

Stop tYpInG lIkE tHiS!

It makes me swear in my head.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Uh, no. There aren't going to be three women shot in every Wal*Mart all over the country.

I really dislike email forwards and I completely despise text forwards.

Before you make yourself look stupid check out the website Snopes.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

This one is helpful!

If you insist on picking the seeds out of a jalapeno before you eat it: do not touch your face, specifically your eye.


Thursday, January 1, 2009

Cell Phones In Public, part 3

When you go to a movie - watch the movie.

Leave your phone in your purse/pocket whatever. Do you seriously need to text during Quantom of Solice? No, and I need to stare and James Bond without being distracted.