Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Bye Bye 2008

Please party responsibly tonight!

Say no to drugs, have a DD and all that good stuff!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Office Etiquette, part 2

If you make a mess in the microwave, wipe it out.

I don't need to smell/see your hot pocket that exploded for 3 days until I clean it out.


Saturday, December 27, 2008

Parking Lot Madness, part 3

Park inbetween the lines. Not on top of them.

I know, I know, it gets confusing... but you should have one line to the left and one line to the right and ZERO lines under your car.


Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

Jesus is the reason for the season.

Cheesy cuz it rhymes but seriously - it's not all about the gifts people.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Cell Phones In Public, part 2

Please don't take your cell phone into the bathroom.

That is one place I really don't need to hear your conversation.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Parking Lot Madness, part 2

Put your shopping cart away.

Yes you are in a hurry, yes the parking lot is slush. You are another 10 steps away from the coral thingy. Are you that lazy?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Snow Driving

Snow is not some magic eraser.

There are still TWO LANES.

Way to make us all late for work.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Come again?

Please don't think that just because you were in earshot of the conversation that you get carte blanche on offering your opinion.

Guess what? 97% of those actually involved in the conversation don't care.

The other 3% are only pretending.

Parking Lots, Part 1

You do not inherit your elderly parents handicap sticker.

I know, I know, it comes in handy this time of the year at the mall. But seriously? Are you that lazy/pathetic/rude/stupid?

Just remember: Karma is a bitch.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Oh, you're not pregnant?

...yeah don't be that dumbass.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

You Wanna Go Boom?

Don't smoke around gas pumps.

Yes this includes you, punk-ass-barely-legal-to-be-smoking-saggy-pants-hair-in-eyes gas station attendant. Obviously you were stoned through your science class: gas + lit cigarette = BOOM! Get it? No? OK, gas is flammable that means it lights on fire easily, oh never mind. I will call the Darwin Award people and have them ready your award.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Don't dress like this. Please. I'm begging you. I will buy you pants that fit. I swear. Just please... take them off. Yes right now. I don't care. Take. Them. Off! For the love of all things good and holy in this world!!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Texting, Lesson 1

Mass texts aren't the way to go.

Chances are 93% of the people you sent them to don't give a shit.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Parenting 101, lesson 1

If it's cold enough for you to wear a coat. Your kid(s) should probably be wearing one too.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Traffic, Part 3

Don't slow down to merge. Speed up with the flow of traffic and then merge.

Simple enough concept, right? While we are at it... if traffic is kind of slow please don't speed up in front of everyone and then expect me to let you in. Merge with everyone else. You. Are. Not. More. Important. Shocking, I know.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Tis' The Season

Don't donate crap that should be thrown away.

"Hey honey? You know those gross old slippers that I keep trying to make you throw away? I gave them to the Salvation Army, Ok!"

Bad. Idea.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Cell Phones In Public, part 1

Please control the volume of your voice.

I can understand that you may be talking to your 87 year old Grammy who keeps yelling "what!?". That conversation is best left to the privacy of your own home, or car or anywhere I'm not.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Chivalry Might Be Dead

Hold the door open for a lady.

When you see a tiny old lady with an armful of stuff trying to get out you don't squeeze past her while she holds the door open for you! Idiot!


Don't complain about not having any money and in the same sentance talk about your new house/car/vacation/shopping spree/plastic surgery.

Are you trying to prove how stupid you are or trying to get sympathy? Do you want me to tell you how I feel about that?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Office Etiquette, part one

Don't reheat fish in the office kitchen.

Mmm, I bet that tuna casserole was really yummy last night! Super glad you had leftovers and that they spent the last 4 minutes in the common microwave on high.

The smell of rotting fish makes my lunch even yummier! Thanks!

I know, I know, you are trying to eat 'healthy', whatever. It's gross and it smells.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Nope, We Don't Care.

So you are 12 seconds pregnant and we need all the gory details? No, no we don't.


That is gross. Don't get me wrong. I love babies. I just love them more when they look like a baby rather than a tadpole or alien larva. Ick.